I Quit Sugar: Here's My First Week as Told in GIFs

I'm old enough to know I need to take my health seriously. I've had a few health issues since my mid-20s, nothing too serious, but enough to make me think "hmmm I really can't afford to phone this in." I also know I hate taking medication and want to live as naturally healthy as possible. I'm in my 30s now and I want this decade to be the best it can be.

So I decided to eliminate processed and refined sugar from my diet for 30 days. I know I won't be able to live my entire life without ice cream and chocolate, but I do need to cut back. I also wanted to see if I could quit cold turkey for a month. As it turns out, this is a form of self-imposed torture.

I should also mention, I'm basically doing the Whole30. I just wanted to try it out and see if I liked it or if it actually made me feel better. It's an experiment. Or as my perverted friends would say, "Just the tip, just to see how it feels." So basically I'm eating like an Olympian and not consuming anything crappy. Okay, so let's talk about what a shit show this has been.

To recap the first four days, only this GIF is appropriate:

I did a lot of research before I began. Processed sugar is killing Americans every single day. We consume exorbitant amounts of the stuff. It's linked to pretty much every major disease and has addictive qualities similar to cocaine. It's horrible for you. It's also super delicious and I'm not sure I can live without it.

Day 1: I awoke with a pounding headache. It was almost as bad as the morning after I won a keg stand push-up contest. It also felt a bit like the flu, but not actually the flu. It was a bit worse than I anticipated. I regret giving up sugar for a full 24 hours, but I do not cave.

Footage of me in bed on Monday morning:

Days 2-3: The second and third nights, I began experiencing nightmares. I actually died in one of my dreams. That's not supposed to happen, right? Like you're supposed to wake up before you actually die in your dreams? Needless to say, this made me feel depressed all day. The headache wasn't quite as sharp but was more like my Facebook feed, somewhat dull yet annoying enough to piss me off.

Day 4: The headache is gone. Finally. Have I beaten this monster? My stuffy nose is cleared up, too. Yeah, I forgot to mention I also had a stuffy nose during these four days. It could've been unrelated? I'm not sure. I was around a lot of kids in the last few weeks, and we all know kids are gross. I instinctively want to blame them for the stuffy nose. Physically, I felt better except for the sleepiness I can't seem to shake. My irritability is through the roof, but to be totally honest, I'm always irritable. Sleepy and irritable, I am a 5'3" toddler.

Day 5: Today is the fifth sugar-free day and I feel pretty, pretty, pretty good. I'm not as sleepy and the cravings to eat buckets of candy have subsided. While my intention wasn't to lose weight, I'm down a few pounds and my skin is clearing up. Normally, my pores are visible from space, but damn, I haven't had skin this smooth and youthful looking since finishing my second round of Accutane! I'm on my way to looking like I did when I was 18! Except now I have crow's feet wrinkles!

So here we are, five days into my sugar-free life. The weekend is approaching and I'm supposed to visit my sister in Vermont...you know, the land of cheese, maple syrup, and craft beer. God knows I love all three. This will be a real test for me. Can I stay true to my mission to be processed sugar-free for 30 days? Bitch please, I'm no quitter.

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